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PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY & LEARNING
The Monthly Newsletter
by Marvin Marshall
Companion to
Discipline Without Stress
Volume 2, Number2
February 2002
Our subscription is
now 1229.
IN THIS ISSUE:
1. Welcome
2. Promoting Responsibility
3. Increasing Effectiveness
4. Improving Relationships
5.
Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:
 How to Achieve 100 percent Student Participation.
6. Your Questions Answered
7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM
8. Public Seminars
9.
What
Others Are Saying About the Book:
"DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning"
10. About this Newsletter
My passion is to foster responsibility. In my seminars and in my book, I refer to victimhood thinking and how to teach young people to be VICTORS--rather than victims. With this in mind, let me share a recent e-mail I received from my sister-in-law, Bobbie Marshall.
Let's see if I understand how America works lately.
If a woman burns her thighs from the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If a neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If a cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, he blames the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
So if I die while writing about how to promote responsibility, I want you to blame my computer.
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| 2. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY |
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I thought to keep in mind in promoting responsibility with the young is not to do something for them that they can do for themselves.
When we want the young person to do something and he or she does not, oftentimes stress is induced--on the adult. The youngster is aware of your emotions and (nonconsciously) derives a sense of power from it. What he is doing--or not doing--is seen as directing your emotions.
Let's assume the youngster has a number of things to do and is laxidazical about doing them. You remind the youngster--to no avail. Time passes. Another reminder is forthcoming with the same result.
Rather than become increasingly stressed, have a chat. The conversation will revolve around those things which are to be done by the youngser. After listing them, establish a procedure for each. I mean VERY SPECIFIC procedures.
If the task is homework, the procedure lists exactly what and when preparations start and how the task will be handled. A list is made which includes starting time, location, and necessary materials to be on hand.
If other activities precede homework, they are also listed--again including specifics. If the activity before starting homework is play of some kind, items such as starting time for cleanup and what criteria will be used to determine when cleanup is satisfactory are listed.
The plan and list should be ELICITED FROM THE YOUNGSTER. This ensures ownership. Of course, the adult can offer suggestions and prompt further reflection by questions.
If the time for a scheduled activity arrives without movement toward it, the parent simply queries, "Have you checked your list?"
If there is not satisfactory progress, then elicit the consequence from the youngster. The child may show his stress by becoming emotional. Do not respond to the emotional outbreak. If you do, you are sending the message, "Get emotional and you can have your way." Redirect your attention to something else until the outburst subsides.
Stress is oftentimes a learning opportunity that promotes responsibility. And since the youngster is the one whose behavior needs to change, the young one is the one who should have the stress--not you.
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| 3. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS |
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One of the most important factors that study after study have shown--in terms of what is important to students--is their feeling/belief that someone in school cares.
A significant factor in asking a question is that there is an assumption that you care about the person with whom your are conversing.
When communicating with others, therefore, instead of thinking of the right thing to say, think of a question to ask. The sooner you inculcate the mode of asking questions--instead of telling--the less stressful it will be for you and the more successful you will become.
Asking reflective questions prompts the other person towards evaluation of their actions. Here are three reflective questions which can assist your influencing others:
Is there any other way this could be handled?
What would a responsible action look like?
What do you think an extraordinary person would do in this situation?
Remember that people change themselves, and the most effective approach to influence others TO WANT TO CHANGE is through a noncoercive approach. The most effective noncoercive strategy is through prompting the person to reflect.
Consider: When you do the talking, who does the thinking? When you do the asking, who does the thinking?
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| 4. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS |
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Monty Roberts is a famous horse trainer--the model for the Robert Redford film, "The Horse Whisperer." The trainer conducts demonstrations of how he trains wild mustangs. Monty grew up in central California and, at age 12, started observing them. He now puts his observations and experiences with horses to work with humans. As with the strategies I share, his approach is one of oncoercion to effect behavior changes and improve relationships. The strategy is in direct contrast to traditional approaches of using coercion.
Here is how he trains a wild mustang within 30 minutes in front of hundreds of people.
He gives instructions to the audience and emphasizes that, during the demonstration, there can be no movement. He admonishes the crowd that there can be no sound of any kind--that if anyone needs to go to he bathroom to go then because everyone must be absolutely still during the training. Monty explains that the horse listens intently, and any sound can spook him.
The wild horse is then let into the arena. The horse gallops around the ring 5, 10, 25 times before realizing he cannot escape and that there is no threat to his safety. The initial reaction by the animal is one of fear. (Especially with young people, fear turns into hostility because being afraid is unpleasant.)
The human then puts on a stance of attack. Monty rears up on one foot, knee bent, arms above his head, torso crooked, and grimaces by showing his top and bottom teeth. The horse panics. He gallops around the ring until he again concludes that nothing is going to happen to him.
Monty returns to his usual demeanor.
Then the audience, on cue, simultaneously claps and hollers very loudly. The horse is spooked. He looks for safety.
Horses have the ability to classify. Classification means putting things into categories--things that are alike and different. In this case, safe or unsafe.
In addition, as social animals that live together, horses have a basic need for belonging. They, like humans, relate with those with whom they feel safe.
After the arousal by the crowd and looking for a place of safety, the horse turns to and approaches the human. The trainer softly strokes the horse. The animal sought safety and found it.
Monty starts walking around the ring. The horse follows.
A few minutes later, another man--dressed just like Monty--enters the ring carrying a saddle and blanket.
This man, like Monty, must also be safe.
The horse trusts the man. The saddle is put on. The horse is walked around the ring. The horse is softly stroked. Safety has been reinforced. Monty mounts--and horse and rider continue walking around the ring.
The crowd goes wild!
Trust is really the foundation of any relationship. It assumes that you will be safe, that you will not be harmed.
With people, trust also carries with it an implicit message that the other person has your own best interests in mind. That is why we can accept criticism and even anger from those whom we trust. We know, deep down, that they really mean to help us.
Trust is an interesting quality because, once it is lost, it is hard to recapture. Many a relationship gasped its last breath on
the words, "I just do not trust you any more."
To have optimum relationships, all parties must feel a sense of trust, a sense safety. The feeling must be that harm will not be forthcoming--physically, emotionally, or psychologically.
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| 5. TEACHERS.NET: PROMOTING LEARNING:
How to Achieve 100 percent Student Participation. |
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My PROMOTING LEARNING article on <teachers.net> for February, 2002, shows how to achieve 100 per cent student participation. The article discusses how COMPETITION IMPROVES PERFORMANCE but that COLLABORATION IMPROVES LEARNING. The instructional approach of posing questions--rather than asking them--brings about a significant increase in student learning. http://teachers.net/gazette/FEB02/marshall.html
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| 6. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED |
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Question:
Many of the teachers and students at my high School are operating at the Democracy level. However, I am used to operating at the Bullying and Conformity level. I became aware this while listening to you. I will be working to change my approach. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Response:
Dear High School Principal,
You have hit upon a significant point which needs to be brought to the attention of school administrators everywhere.
Every time you are about to TELL, ask yourself this question: "How can I say this in a POSITIVE and ENCOURAGING WAY? Example: "You are right on track. You may also want to consider x x x x.
Note that telling is not the same as sharing. Sharing is necessary and is noncoercive. Telling, on the other hand, connotes criticism. The implicit message is that something needs to be changed. Although change may be challenging, we often engage in it. In contrast, no one likes to be told to change.
Another strategy is to ask a reflective question. Example: "Can you think of anything else that should be done?" This type of question is both positive and challenging.
Be sure the questions engender positive feelings, are within the person's ability, and are reasonable. I once worked for a supervisor who asked questions that alienated people. His questions prompted negative feelings because what he was asking was unreasonable.
Asking reflective questions is a skill. Anyone who wants to influence others should practice it. In fact, asking reflective questions is one of the most important skills anyone can use to effect change. Reflective questions are noncoercive, do not prompt feelings of self-defensiveness, and improve relationships.
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The failings of using punishments and rewards to change young people's behaviors is described on a new website: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.
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For Educators, Youth Workers, and Parents
DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
Promote Responsibility and Learning
SPONSOR: Staff Development Resources/
California Elementary Education Association.
Request a brochure for complete information by calling
800.678.8908.
Burbank, CA March 14
Ontario, CA March 15
Sacramento, CA March 19
South San Francisco, CA March 20
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9. WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK:
"DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility &
Learning"
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"Dr. Marshall is renowned for his expertise in teaching, parenting, discipline, and motivation. This book proves how well he also knows this new generation as his timeless principles are remarkably effective in the new millennium."
Eric Chester, President and Founder
Generation Why, Inc.
Carried by:
National Association of Elementary School Principals
National Association of Secondary School Principals
National School Boards Association
Phi Delta Kappa International
Performance Learning Systems
The Brain Store
ORDER INFORMATION:
Phone: 800.606.6105 (USA) -- 714.995.0989 (International)
Fax: 714.995.3902 (purchase orders)
http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com
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| 10. ABOUT THIS NEWSLETTER |
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REPOSTS and REPRINTS:
Permission to repost or reprint this newsletter in whole or in part is granted
as long as the following link is included:
http://www.MarvinMarshall.com.
COPYRIGHT:
© Copyright 2002 Marvin Marshall. All rights reserved.
PRIVACY STATEMENT: Your address will always be kept confidential and will not be
released to anyone.
Back issues are archived online at:
http://www.marvinmarshall.com/newsletter/index.htm
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